Players to Avoid

It's that time of the year again where baseball starts back up and that means fantasy baseball has been going on for a month. In light of several mock drafts I have done as well as all the player news I continue to read up on, I've composed a list (albeit no where near a complete list) of all the players I want to emphasize the importance to stay away from and NOT draft. These are the players that go relatively within the draft rounds, but are otherwise "foul's gold." That have on occasion, made us all believe that they would be useful in some way, but have dropped the ball in a huge way.

1. Josh Beckett (SP)

The guy gets injured more often than any other starting pitcher I would care to mention. And yet every year there's mention of how "he feels good this year" and "I think he's gonna show everyone he still matters." Well he doesn't. Beckett posted an atrocious 5.78 ERA and 1.54 WHIP last year. He was out for most of the season and so was only able to get 6 wins. Here's the thing that drives me crazy the most: He's out every season. It never fails that he ends up injured and missing half the season. And the part of the season he does play in so terrible that it simply is not worth to draft this guy ever.





2. Carlos Pena (1B)

He posted one of the worst Avg. ever at .196. Let that number sink in for a second... .196. He struck out 158 times last year. Pena earned the other outs because he consistently hit toward the right field every time and every team knew that and was ready for him. Sure he is in the NL now and in a more hitter friendly park, but ask yourself, "Is that enough for me to trust him?" Not for me when there are plenty of other players on the board that can provide just as many HR's and RBI's with an Avg that is above .200.



3. Mark Reynolds (3B)

See Carlso Pena and then add: Not even in the NL will his Avg increase. And now Reynolds is the AL in the hardest division in the AL? I'm sorry, but that's a deal breaker for me and once again, there are plenty of other players out there that hit HR's and above .200. If you're really desperate for HR's, then by all means draft him. But I warned you.









4. Daisuke Matsuzaka (SP)

Let me give you a tip right now; the only good pitchers on the Red Sox, are Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz. This is a guy, who like Beckett, does not produce where you need him to. Once again, there are better pitchers to pick up during the later rounds that will give you more of a high yield than this very high risk.















5. Carlos Zambrano (SP)

Although his ERA is better than the other two pitchers on this list, everything else of Zambrano's is terrible. Only 117 strikeouts last year, and an entire month off in suspension due to a severe drama attack. His walk rate is atrocious and since he's on the Cubs, it's a bit of a gamble to hope for any amount of Wins.















6. Brandon Inge (3B)

Think Mark Reynolds and Carlos Pena, but without the HR's. In short, he has nothing of value except for the 2011 projections that are way to generous. Even if you're in an AL only league, it's still insane to pick this guy up for your middle infield. It's actually best just to leave that position empty if for some reason there are no other options.

XC Oddities

How do you begin to describe cross country as a sport? The sad truth is that many would try and argue that running distances is not enough to be called a sport. Well for me, it became my life especially during senior year in high school. The tradition for most of Brentsville’s runners was that at senior year you had to work harder than you had during your previous years because more often than not, you probably had slacked off earlier and now you had one year left to show for as a senior XC runner. Which is exactly how I had participated in cross country, I had joined when I was a sophomore and until I was a senior I did not put forth my best efforts. So senior year was a sort of “crunch time” for me and I drastically increased my miles and role on the team.

            The short story is that even with my best efforts I did not accomplish any of my goals I had set out for, however I had experienced one of the best sports ever conceived and one of the weirdest teams that could possibly be imagined. From our unofficial rainbow trout mascot named Brucey to the underground sock’em bopper fights, our team was never short on character.

            To begin describing the quirkiness of the Brentsville Cross Country team, Coach Dulin would be the first oddity. This is a man who lived and breathed coaching cross country claiming that “When I die, you will have to bury me on the cross country course.” We joke about it what with his conventions he goes to and the books he reads, but the real show of his involvement of this sport was when he conceived the idea for speed dating as a form of team bonding.

            During a romantic date with the misses, our coach had picked out the romantic comedy Hitch to watch. When the speed dating scene came on, he realized that “Gee, this would be a good idea for the team,” and quickly went into the kitchen to write a memo down on a napkin. The next day he gathered us all together and began to match the guy’s team up with the girl’s team. To us, this seemed as if he wanted to breed a super runner and at several points during the year we actually had couples on the team and it seemed as if the Dulin’s plan might just succeed. Coach Dulin seemed to have this all knowing power in which he always knew who was dating who on the team. Creepy? Yes, but then again I suppose if he was trying to breed us, then he would have to have knowledge of us the same way dog breeders knew where a new litter came from.

            In fact the extent of his breeding attempts did not end there. Dulin and the coach from our neighboring high school, Battlefield, would constantly organize races and events with one another despite the difference in divisions, us being double A and Battlefield being triple A. So naturally it was only inevitable before one of our runners began dating one of theirs. And it just so happened to be my friend Ian.

            During a week long summer camp, Ian met a lovely Battlefield girl Rachel and the courtship began. At the end of the week, the camp organized a dance for all the teams in attendance and obviously Ian went with Rachel. Now, as fellow teammates and friends, we couldn’t just sit by and let Ian dance with Rachel without any awkwardness and so one of our runners in a very creepy and slightly homosexual manner came behind Ian while he was bumping and grinding and began massaging his shoulders. Who does this, you might ask? Well of course it would be my best friend Robby who is another subject of weirdness entirely. As Ian recounted the story to us, he thought for a moment that he was going to be raped what with the constant “shushing” and the occasional encouragements that Robby gave him. Fortunately for Ian, it did not impede his chances with her as we later observed him kissing her.

            From then on, it was immensely fun to get reactions out of Ian by insulting the decency of Rachel by claiming her whoredom. Now of course Rachel was the least likely candidate to ever be a prostitute, but it didn’t stop us from telling what would later be called, Rachel Jokes. I remember one such conversation where I said, “Ian, your girlfriend is like the village bicycle, everyone’s gotten a ride.” And on cue, another runner added in, “So she’s fast and cheap?” Ian’s witty response was to throw his shoes at us at approximately 102 miles an hour.

            During the same camp we found a way to keep ourselves entertained while we waited for the next workout, underground fights with Sock’em Boppers. We would find an empty quad and circle around the combatants and cheer them on as they proceeded to beat the living shit out of each other for three rounds. Now Sock’em Boppers say they’re more fun than a pillow fight, but they aren’t as structurally sound as a pillow. Within a matter of minutes the Sock’em Boppers would be either deflated or popped. Not that it was much of a difference when it was inflated. Sock’em Boppers were made for six year olds and with our 16 to 18 year old bodies we could still feel the punches through them.

            The most obvious show of this was when we had Robby go against a-would-be UFC fighter, Matt. Now I had the privilege of fighting Matt before. When we were about to go to bed one night, I was walking through the hall when someone says “Hey Richard will fight him!” Without thinking I replied with “OK” and put the Sock’em Bopper gloves on. I only really understood what I was getting into when I watched Matt practice punching the wall with blindingly fast speed. Even then, I thought “Hey, it’s more fun than a pillow fight!” and never conceived the idea of anything less than a good time. When we began, it seemed like any other fight, but then Matt struck the side of my head and I staggered backwards and for a moment, did not see anything. That was pretty much when I knew that I should probably say enough and quit.

            Before, the fights were more just for fun and something we could laugh at. But Matt took it to a whole new level of intensity especially when he broke Robby’s nose. Seriously, his nose was visibly crooked. After that we thought we should give the underground fights a rest…for a day. When we decided to fight again, we naturally had to see a rematch between Robby and Matt and this time Matt did the favor of fixing Robby’s broken nose, by punching it on the other side. Unfortunately for us one of the camp counselors thought it was fun to watch and saw Robby stagger back with blood running down his nose. The counselor made the executive decision that it was best that the two retire and that Sock’em Bopper fights be permanently discontinued.

            As if our team isn’t bizarre enough, our strange devotion to Brucey will find a way to prove we’re not just unique, but we have a direct connection to our inner child. Brucey is a rainbow trout, specifically a stuff animal rainbow trout. The tradition is that every captain of the boy’s team from the previous year passes it down to the rising captain with a huge speech on how you must treat Brucey. “Brucey must always ride in the front seat, even if there’s a girl in the car. Brucey must always be treated with the utmost respect. And at all costs, Brucey must be protected from the Girl’s Team because they will always wish him harm." How this tradition was started is unclear because the original story had been mistranslated. Some say Brucey came from space and brings glory and unimaginable strength to all who worship him, while others say that he was owned by a previous captain who wanted to show that a stuff animal was more important than his girlfriend.

            However he was spawned, every year the girl’s team tries to steal Brucey and this year was no different. One of our captains, Ray Delgado, was at home with his girlfriend Alex (who was one of the girl’s team captains). Unbeknownst to Ray, Alex had called several of the girls to come over, and while Ray was seduced by Alex, they stole Brucey.

            It was not till several days later that we discovered the fate of Brucey. On the scoreboard of our football field he hung, his stomach cut open and his stuffing thrown disgracefully on the ground.

            We held a memorial service for Brucey in which we resurrected him by replacing his stuffing back inside him and sewing him up the best we could. The different color string used to stitch his wound would forever be a scar to Brucey. Not soon after, Ray broke up with Alex and it was too much of a coincidence to not be about Brucey. At least that’s what we like to believe.

            Of course there are more stories to be told of the Brentsville Cross Country team, but most of these stories would be unfit for ears while others would be ones would be a bit too embarrassing to retell. Nonetheless, these stories shaped the attitude of my cross country team and it has been hard to top them or experience anything remotely close to them. 

Columbus Day

Lately through my daily life, people have noticed my lack of care toward my job as a Broad Run Golf employee. You see, I work as the Pro Shop Assistant and as such am required to stand at a desk and deal with every customer that comes in and wants to buy something from us; be it golf, a snack, or some merchandise. But if you saw me at work you would notice a distinct change in how I act at work compared to pre-Columbus Day. This is that story:

This place is Hell disguised as a beautiful golf practice facility

I should have known that it was going to be a bad day the moment I got to work. Everybody yelled at me that day, starting with the building. As I entered the establishment for the morning shift I have to deactivate the ADT security for building and for some reason I entered the code that armed it thinking (for the longest time) that it was the correct code to disarm it.

This caused a series of alarms to sound followed shortly by a phone call from the ADT and thankfully it was a very patient young lady who for whatever reason, did NOT think I was a burglarer but instead giving me the benefit of the doubt. She requested only the names and phone numbers in which the security was named under. So I whipped out the employee log book and looked up my bosses.

After a few mistake via which of my three bosses the ADT security would be under as well as some mistakes between cell phone numbers and home numbers, the ADT lady deactivated the alarm and tried her best to aid my future code entering by suggesting that the buttons were sticky and to press extra hard. Unfortunately she was unaware of my complete lack of knowledge for the arm code and the disarm code.

As I tried to calm and assure myself that the rest of the day could be better, I was only setting myself up for the worst possible day I’ve had.

Within a couple of minutes, at least a dozen people called asking about the rates of the course for 9 holes with cart. I of course said that as far as I knew, they were standard rate. Many people brought up that they weren’t sure because it was a holiday, but I assured them that both the standard week day rate was in effect and that the all day rate would be available as well.

I was wrong on both. Not only were the more expensive weekend rates in effect, but the all day deal was not. When the dozen customers came in expecting to pay week day rates, they were…less than happy to find out that I, in essence, lied to them. They not only called me out on my mistake, but also demanded that they be served the promised rates because they would not have come knowing that the golf rates would be so costly ($37.50 vs. $21.50 per person).

Now both of my main bosses were at work that day and that always puts me on edge because one of them just sits at his desk and watches the security cameras to see if I make a mistake in any detail of my job, but today it was even worst. However, because of my price mix ups, I thought it was a blessing they were there (at first) because it meant that they could handle the sticky situations of the customers I had accidentally lied to. Most were easy to fix like some got the cheaper rate and some got the all day deal.

However, there were two that I completely messed up on. I accidentally charged two for 9 holes of golf with cart instead of the 18 holes with cart that they had a definitely asked for. I have no idea why I did that, I suppose I’m just used to people only getting 9 holes of golf that I just instinctively gave them 9 holes.

Well when the golf Marshal sent them back up to the Pro Shop to pay for their other 9 holes you can imagine the amount of confusion and anger that they felt. They were confused that they only got 9 when they said 18. They were angry that it was so expensive that day because of the holiday. And they said the line that no one wanted to hear, “Well I wouldn’t have paid for 9 if I knew how damn expensive it was.”

Thank you random customers, because you were the cherry on the top of my stressful day. And by cherry, I mean the horrible bear shit that covered the barely tolerable day with horribleness.

I go to my boss Rick and say, “Rick… I really screwed up. I charged this guy with just 9 holes and he wanted 18. Now finding out how expensive the 9 were by themselves he’s saying that he would never have paid that much if he knew that they were only going to play 9 holes with that amount. I don’t know what to do.”

Rick talks to the guy and like every customer before; the guy plays the victim and gets to go out for another 9 holes. Rick doesn’t look happy, but doesn’t look mad either. It was like he was in the middle of emotion.

After there is a break in customers, Rick comes out and asks, “How you doing?” in a very neutral tone.

I say, “Not great. It would have been nice to have a note reminding me that holidays are weekend rates.”

Bad move Richard.

Rick: A note?

Me: Yeah just a reminder.

Rick (pointing at me and walking over): Let me tell you something about notes! You have been here long enough to know the rates of this place and to know that holidays are weekend rates! Don’t give me any crap about notes!

He leaves me in shock and defeat. I try to say more to him, but all I manage is a mumble of, “It was just a suggestion. Sorry for… talking.”

Somehow, the day gets worse. My other boss, Jim, is the one constantly watching the cameras to see what I am doing wrong. This is creepy by itself, but on this day, it was obnoxious.

Whenever I had down time I would read my old Logics textbook for this class I failed and would have to retake. I would complete problems in the book and try to be prepared for when I had to take the class again. I had been doing this for weeks now and for whatever reason, I thought I could continue on with this habit on this joyous of days.

Well Rick comes over and says, “Jim wants you to put the book away.” I’m beaten, my confidence in myself is gone, and with it, my fighting spirit. I comply and place it back into my book bag along with my work.

Being stressed out as I was; I needed something to set me straight. Normally I would consume a vast quantity of caffeine to feel invinsible, but having already consumed my coffee and energy drink, I was out of options. Somewhere in my mind I thought that doing math problems would allow me to cope with this day. These problems were simple like; 2x+5 = 46. I wrote them on paper and Rick comes over again and asks what I’m doing. I tell him and he gives me this look like I’m crazy and asks why.

“It’s just something to do,” I said.

While I was dealing with another customer, Jim finally emerges from his dark cave and squints at the daylight. His eyes, being only used to light the security cameras provided, set on my distracted self. His overly large body mass waddles over to the desk like a penguin. Jim takes the chair I was using to sit on and moves it far enough away for the message to be received: stop sitting down.

It was a blunt move, but once again, I was too defeated to put up a fight so I just went with it. But after several minutes of no customers, I could only think about how I was standing and really wanted to sit. I even came convinced myself that because no customers had come through in a while, it could be considered a down time and I had earned a seat for a few minutes.

No sooner had I sat down, customers began to pour into the store again. I desperately tried to sit down when I could, but the constant flow of customers had me up on my feet too often to enjoy it.

When at last the onslaught is over, Jim waddles out again. This time, there are no subliminal messages.

Jim: How are you doing Richard?

Me (sitting down now): Hanging in there.

Jim: Good. What I need you to do is to stand up. You look like a frickin yo-yo whenever a customer comes in. You don’t sit down when you have guests in your house do you? I also need you to stop doing math or whatever and instead talk to the customers. Ask them how they shot, tell them to have a good day. Be friendly. So why don’t you put that chair back where I had it, put that note book away, and start doing your job.

At this moment, I seriously considered quitting. I also had an incredibly difficult time controlling the urge to just destroy Jim’s stupid face with an eight iron I had been eyeing for quite some time. Part of me didn’t think it could actually wait to get the club in my hand before I attacked Jim.

But I was able to control myself and I nodded silently to Jim.

Jim: I used to do this job too and I know it can be hard. But you’re a young man and you seem athletic. You should be able to stand for a while.

This was when I finally couldn’t take much more. I had to say something, but all I could do was just attack that one part. Athletic.

Me: Well actually I’m training for a marathon right now and my legs are-

Jim (cutting me off): You’re training for a marathon?

Me: Yeah and my legs are really tired all the time and my knees are killing me

Jim: Well I just don’t want you sitting down all the time. When it’s obviously slow you can sit for a few minutes, but I need you on your feet most of the time.

Me: Yeah ok.

With that he leaves. Now it’s factually correct I was training for a marathon, but my legs were not quite in as much need for a chair as I laid claim. I didn’t care though. I just needed a win somewhere no matter how small and if I got it from a chair, then so be it.

The rest of the day went by slow and my relief got stuck in traffic making him 2 hours late for work. Luckily I was able to not be bothered by Rick or Jim for the rest of the day out of sheer awkwardness (I think) or maybe because I was being forced to work extra because my co-worker was unable to come in.

Either way, my job satisfaction has reached its all time low. I hate my job and will allow customers get away with almost anything now. I have a new outlook on life in which I’m almost actually trying to get in trouble because if I'm going to, then at least it would be for something actually serious, than for something minor and insignificant.

Maybe in this regard they’ll care less about the details and more about the big picture. 

These people are happy because 1. They get to share cake and 2. They DON'T work at Broad Run Golf. 

Gateway Computer's Lifetime Rating: Unnecessarily Not Awesome

Dear Gateway Computer,

Let me say that although you preform many tasks admirably and efficiently you have on too many occasions sucked balls and caused enough annoyances to make me consider that an awesome crash and explosion of you would be more entertaining than any of the services you could possibly provide. 

First your internet switch. Why you feel a need to actually have one of these is beyond me, but that is beside the point. What annoys me most about this is that when the occasion comes that I accidentally brush against it and turn off your ability to receive wireless,  you then seem to be unable to ever detect a wireless signal again even after I have flipped the switch back. I have to restart you just to continue facebook chatting a friend or to finish a video I had just finished buffering. What gives!?

Second, your lack of endurance with being able to stay on with the absence of the power cord is pathetic and embarrassing. A fat chick running the P.E. mile in 5 minutes is more of a sure thing than you staying on for half that time. Why can't you be like the other computers that have smaller, more concealable batteries that last almost 35x longer than you do? Get your shit together.

Third, I know you are bigger than the average laptop, but that does not give you an excuse to single handedly heat my dining room with your exhaust fan. It feels like you are 200 degrees on my lap and I constantly wonder how you don't set fire to the things you are set down on. You have at times actually shut down due to the immense amount of heat that you generate. And don't try to blame this on dust because we both know that is total bullshit. The only silver lining to this is that you bring yourself closer to creating that awesome explosion I have been considering.

Fourth, the "scroll wheel" on the touch pad randomly turns off at the most inconvenient times. I will be reading an article online and suddenly I can no longer scroll down the page. I have become accustomed and dependent on this function and to have it missing creates massive chaos and confusion for me.  

I would mention other serious defects in your totally flawful performance, but my lap feels like it is on fire and I really want to get away from you as fast as possible. 

Your master and owner, 

Richard

12 Total Bros.

A couple friends and I got into a discussion the other day about who is a "Total" Bro. After several hours of eliminating and adding great men to a list of twelve. We came to the conclusion that a Total Bro not only followed all rules of the Bro Code, but also stood up for his fellow Bros. Finally we were able to realize that you just "know" who was deemed worthy for this list. Argue if you must, we already did that, trust me. Hear me now, believe me later. 

These are the Bros that are greater than just a "pretty cool bro." They have, during their lifetime (whether it be fictional or historical), demonstrated what it truly means to be a Bro and have paved the way for us all to strive to be like them. These are the 12:

(Listed chronologically based on time of being/creation)

1. David 

When the Israelites are facing an army of Philistines and one cocky giant named Goliath makes a decision to decide the outcome of the battle with a single combat, David is merely bringing food to his brothers. “Yo, guys. I got this.” He was heard by his fellows Bros as he picks up some smooth stone and kills Goliath with a toss from his sling shot. Then to add even more proof, he cuts the behemoth’s head off with Goliath’s own sword. He then proceeds to lead Israel as what could only be described as the most awesome King ever.

2. Jesus

The guy died for our sins and inspired eleven awesome Bros to follow him and spread word about all his epic doings (Judas was a total un-Bro and for that, he is not included). Then as if to say “Screw you death,” he comes back three days later and continues the same awesomeness that he had done before he was killed. Way to be a Bro.

3. George Washington

As father of the best country in the world, George fought for our freedom from those oppressive, tea sipping, wig and lace wearing, sissies, the British. He crossed the Delaware in one of the most epic poses ever and during the time when he could have been home on his plantation opening Christmas presents with his American Dream family. I’m also fairly sure he punched a polar bear.

4. Teddy “Broosevelt” Roosevelt

Starting out as a Rough Rider, Broosevelt was one of the busiest Presidents ever. From hunting bears to sparing cubs and from busting trusts to forming national parks, Broosevelt made good use of his terms. He came up with the bad ass slogan of “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” Broosevelt also had an assassination attempt that lodged a bullet in his chest. However, being the Bro that he is, decided that since he was not coughing up blood, the bullet had not punctured his lungs and therefore did not need immediate medical attention and so he  proceeded to carrying out his speech that day.

5. Gandalf

First helping the mini-dwarf like people, the hobbits by giving them legendary adventures and a sick nasty ring, then saving them from said ring when it was discovered that it was pure evil, Gandalf was a true Bro. Not stopping there, he willingly volunteered to join the Nine to destroy the ring, ultimately sacrificing himself in a totally wicked way by breaking apart a bridge in order to stop a Balrag and shouting an insanely quoted phrase, “You shall not pass!” Once again, death can’t keep this Bro down as Gandalf comes back as even more bad ass and aides in the defense of Rohan’s Helm’s Deep and then fights back the Nazgûl in the Battle of Gondor. The old man is simply unstoppable when it comes to helping out the Bros of Middle Earth.

6. Captain Kirk

As captain of the starship Enterprise, Kirk probably never had to set foot on some uncharted and dangerous planet, but he did it anyways because his fellow Bros were down there and God help him if he loses a major character of the show. The guy was captured, beaten up, and mind controlled more times than can be counted. And still he jumped down to the next planet without any thought of premature “Beam me up Scotty” lines. What a Bro.

7. R2-D2

R2-D2 being a total Bro by showing Luke a video of a hot chick. 

R2-D2 is in every Star Wars movie and always seems to be needed somewhere. He is constantly required to put his “thing” into places that it really doesn’t belong in and as a result is constantly shocked or damaged due to these poor decisions. And yet he continually does it anyway, because is that not what being a Bro is all about? Putting our “thing” into places that it never belongs because our Bros are counting on us to open doors… and stuff.

8. Han Solo

As a scruffy-looking nerf hearder, Han Solo is the stereotype of smugglers and a perfect example of a Bro. Sure he did most of his deeds for money, at first. But after getting his reward money for saving Princess Leia and then coming to Luke’s aid when Darth Vader had him in his sights? That was a total Bro move. He then joined the Rebellion, leading his fellow Bros against the Empire’s shield generator for a bad ass explosion.

9. Will Smith

It's not about the size, but how you use it.

The Fresh Prince inspires the ideals of all Bros in his movie/television roles. With a show that continues to be watched and laughed at as eagerly as when it first aired, Will Smith shows that he knows what Bros want. He continues to deliver in his movies such as; Men In Black, Hancock, Wild Wild West, Independence Day, Hitch,  I Robot, and Bad Boys.

10. Neil Patrick Harris

The guy wrote the Bro Code. He played one of the greatest Bros in all existence, Barney Stinson. He broke down the stereotype of gays while building up a standard for Bros. And just to throw in a few more tricks, he performs magic and can sing a mean Dream On. Wud up Bros?

11. Optimus Prime

 As the leader of the Autobots, Optimus Prime is already in a position that allows him to be all the Bro that he can be. Throughout numerous missions, Optimus sacrifices his robot body to defeat the evil forces of the Decepticons while at the same time, making sure that all of his fellow robot minions stay safe and functional. His sacrifices add up to a glorious final battle in which Optimus (like Jesus and Gandalf) makes the ultimate sacrifice by dying at the hands of Megatron. With his last robot circuit, he passes on the Matrix, the ultimate weapon and symbol of leadership for the Autobots. That’s a Brommander! 

12. Old Spice Guy

This mysterious man’s origins are unknown. It is speculated that he arrived on Earth when Jesus and Zeus high fived. He is known as the ultimate man, a demi-God of Awesome, and the idol of Bros everywhere. Though he has done little in the way of Brohood, he has inspired all of us Bros to live like the man we could be and to use Old Spice body wash. I’m on the Bro list.