Gateway Computer's Lifetime Rating: Unnecessarily Not Awesome

Dear Gateway Computer,

Let me say that although you preform many tasks admirably and efficiently you have on too many occasions sucked balls and caused enough annoyances to make me consider that an awesome crash and explosion of you would be more entertaining than any of the services you could possibly provide. 

First your internet switch. Why you feel a need to actually have one of these is beyond me, but that is beside the point. What annoys me most about this is that when the occasion comes that I accidentally brush against it and turn off your ability to receive wireless,  you then seem to be unable to ever detect a wireless signal again even after I have flipped the switch back. I have to restart you just to continue facebook chatting a friend or to finish a video I had just finished buffering. What gives!?

Second, your lack of endurance with being able to stay on with the absence of the power cord is pathetic and embarrassing. A fat chick running the P.E. mile in 5 minutes is more of a sure thing than you staying on for half that time. Why can't you be like the other computers that have smaller, more concealable batteries that last almost 35x longer than you do? Get your shit together.

Third, I know you are bigger than the average laptop, but that does not give you an excuse to single handedly heat my dining room with your exhaust fan. It feels like you are 200 degrees on my lap and I constantly wonder how you don't set fire to the things you are set down on. You have at times actually shut down due to the immense amount of heat that you generate. And don't try to blame this on dust because we both know that is total bullshit. The only silver lining to this is that you bring yourself closer to creating that awesome explosion I have been considering.

Fourth, the "scroll wheel" on the touch pad randomly turns off at the most inconvenient times. I will be reading an article online and suddenly I can no longer scroll down the page. I have become accustomed and dependent on this function and to have it missing creates massive chaos and confusion for me.  

I would mention other serious defects in your totally flawful performance, but my lap feels like it is on fire and I really want to get away from you as fast as possible. 

Your master and owner, 

Richard